Generational fault lines in the Church
On November 2, I sat down with Eric Sentell of the Metamorphosis podcast for a conversation about my recent essay: Persuading evangelicals to not vote Republican. Eric and I talked about the finer points of the piece against the broader backdrop of generational challenges in the American Church.
An underlying theme in our discussion is the stark difference of lived experience between baby boomers and millennials in the American Church. This has led to breakdowns in leadership and the practical application of the Gospel. And while there are certainly churches that have found healthy ways to work on these issues, they seem to be a minority.
The good news is some of these challenges have practical solutions. The obstacle is that — because boomers retain most leadership positions — most solutions are in their hands. I received a lot of questions from people who tuned in. Most hinged around three points, so I’ve expounded on them here.
1. Representation matters.
Because the lived experiences of boomers and millennials are so different, the lack of millennial representation in a church’s leadership can lead to some of the issues Eric and I discuss. They can be as mild as certain teachings being received with frustration to as severe as abuse and controlling behavior.
There is a trend in the Church of boomer leaders looking for a millennial they personally like — or can tightly control — and making that the only gauge for if that younger person is worthy of being a leader. This is not in line with the Biblical qualifications for church leaders found in 1 Timothy 3 and elsewhere. Temperament, skills, service record…these things matter.
The solution here is simple: boomer leaders must create orderly structures and processes for millennials to begin preparing for leadership. Some people aren’t fit to be elders and deacons, but these should still be fairly open. I’ve met many talented millennials over the years who know that boomer leaders haven’t noticed their gifts and are uninterested in discovering them. Sometimes these are rare skills that will help the congregation grow closer together, improve outreach, and more. Many millennials are sitting on the sidelines or have left a church because of these realities.
I personally know of several churches where this problem is being worked on. A few already have millennials entering leadership, which is creating growth in younger generations and a deeper unity in their congregations. Millennial representation in leadership works. It is needed now more than ever and will only become more critical in the years ahead. The sooner that boomer leaders meet this moment with genuine outreach and curiosity, the sooner this challenge can be overcome.
2. Including Millennials in church functions.
Boomer leaders have asked me why so few millennials show up to functions beyond Sunday morning. Here are some examples of how this is framed:
“Our millennials say they want to be involved, but when we present them with opportunities, they never jump in.”
“We have all these activities and studies going on during the week, but younger people never come to them.”
“We’ve made it a point to have certain activities and studies specifically for millennials, but only a few ever show up.”
My response to these types of questions is always the same: “Have you talked to any of your millennial members about why they don’t show up?”
The answer is almost always “No.”
You can’t fix something if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. In my years of work with millennials — as well as being one — I’ve noticed three common reasons why younger people don’t get more engaged.
Timing is everything. Most millennials aren’t going to come to the bible study that happens every Tuesday at 10AM. Why? They have jobs. Many millennial parents aren’t going to sign up for that weeknight, deep-dive series a staffer is doing at 7PM. Why? That’s in the middle of bedtime routines for their kids.
These two examples may seem like obvious problems with obvious solutions. Following my conversation with Eric, I received several comments from boomers along the lines of “Oh, I never thought it’s because people your age can’t come. That’s really helpful to know!”
The issue with millennial parents especially is our current stage of life. Little kids equals little free time for mom and dad. I’m acutely aware of this reality. My wife and I have two little kids and are members of a church that rarely schedules with millennial parents in mind. The past few years, I’ve had older congregation members tell me that my absence in certain activities is noticed. “This bible study topic is right up your alley. We need you to be here,” I am told. When I explain that it’s in the middle of our kids’ bedtime routine, I get shrugs in return.
The best thing boomer leaders can do is ask millennial parents what days and times they can participate. Ask if childcare needs to be available. Then make it happen and personally let them know so they feel warmly invited.
Representation matters in planning as well. In 2017, I was invited to speak at an educational event a local church was doing about refugees. It was shortly after the controversial refugee ban and resulting protests happened. If you’re reading this and don’t know much about me, my day job is working with Sudanese refugees.
I showed up to find a decent-sized crowd and gave my presentation. The youngest person in attendance was probably in their mid-40s.
A church staffer mentioned that several of their younger members had participated in the local refugee march. One of the reasons they did this was to engage them. He was disappointed none had shown up.
“Y’all have a lot of young supporters,” he said. “What’s the secret?”
The secret is that millennials are people, too. They do things with their friends. When a friend has been a part of something and invites them to join, most will tag along. In this case, the millennials who participated in the march did so because one of them is a natural leader. He was asked to show up with friends, reached out to his peers, and led them to the protest.
The church staff pushed out some broad communication about their educational event, but no one reached out directly to this group. More importantly, these millennials were prime candidates to have helped organize this event because they were already engaged on the issue. They weren’t offered the chance, so none of them came. The lesson to be learned here is that when millennials have skin in the game from top to bottom — when they are empowered to lead and help make decisions — they are more likely to show up. If doing things for millennials isn’t working, doing things with millennials is a better path to take.
We need to stop conflating local expression with doctrinal tradition. “If you want to fit in around here, you have to come to the fish fry,” the boomer deacon said to the millennial with…a fish allergy.
An acquaintance of mine moved away a few years back. He was interested in getting people involved with the nonprofit I work at once he got settled in to a new city. I reached out 4 or 5 months later to check in. When he called back, I could tell he was having a hard time. He enjoyed his new job, but finding a church had proven to be difficult. The above comment came at the fourth church he was visiting.
He ended up going to that fish fry to try to “fit in” as was suggested. He was one of only three millennials there. People were understanding of his allergy, and the deacon apologized for his words when he found out. The event itself was a series of uncomfortable conversations. Several older people he met thanked him for coming, but then immediately complained that so few young people were there. He heard things like:
“None of them ever come to the fish fry. We’ve been doing this for almost 30 years. I guess they don’t care about tradition.”
“This place is going to be a mess when we’re gone. These young people just aren’t interested in doing things around here.”
“You must be different. We need more young people like you who want to do things the right way.”
That’s haughty talk for a fellowship-style event. Even more eye-opening was his conversation with the other two millennials there, who told him that most young people avoided the fish fry because of the way some boomers talked. Others just didn’t like fried fish.
This story has always stood out to me as the perfect example of the local expression of the Church — which changes with time and varies culture to culture — sometimes being conflated with doctrinal tradition. Simply put, your church’s fish fry isn’t nearly as set in stone as Jesus telling you to love your neighbors.
Every generation accepts some traditions from the generation before them. Sometimes they don’t though. The way we tithe changes with technology. The way we fellowship changes based on dietary preferences, what different generations enjoy, and more. Churches often find a way to do things differently to remain relevant in changing times.
What can we learn here? Boomer leaders need to stop expecting millennials to come 100% of the way to them when it comes to local expression. We sometimes have legitimate differences of preference. Because of this reality, it is important for millennials to be offered both the traditions that came before them, as well as space to start their own and invite boomers in to experience. Fellowship isn’t a one way street.
3. The need for real accountability.
Over the summer, one of the members of the election working group I was a part of reached out to me privately. His church in Georgia was bleeding young members: over half had left in an 18-month period. One of his pastors was seeking outside perspective, and I was asked to listen and talk to him.
After explaining the makeup of their church, the pastor asked me why I thought so many young families were leaving. I could tell he hadn’t given me the full picture. When he talked about their leadership, he didn’t mention much about their elders.
“Why do you think young people are leaving?” I asked.
He gave a few halting suggestions that I’ve heard too many times to count. Maybe millennials had confused the justice aspects of progressive politics with the Gospel. Maybe worship wasn’t contemporary enough. Maybe the deep theological teachings the church emphasizes were over their heads. The basic theme: they’re different and it’s not our fault.
I pointed out that if these young people had been politically liberal for some time and if the style of worship and direction of teaching hadn’t changed, then none of that explained their exodus. “So, what happened 18 months ago?” I asked.
It turns out, a new slate of elders was elected 18 months earlier. The youngest elder was now 59. Under full boomer control, the church budget radically shifted from balanced to favoring older folks. The staff adjusted scheduling for and cancelled some of the programs and events that young families loved. Replacement activities were geared toward older generations in timing, topic, and style. A nonprofit partner that enjoyed broad millennial support had their partnership revoked in the interest of “narrowing our focus.”
When the church’s most engaged millennials asked about these abrupt changes, the elders ignored their questions. When the questions turned into outcry, they shifted to suppression. The most engaged millennials were gaslighted by two elders who offered to sit down with a small group of them, supposedly to address their concerns. They were told:
“This is your fault. If you were actually engaged around here, we would have known there would be concerns.”
We know what we’re doing, this is all more complicated than you realize.”
When the nature of the meeting was reported to another elder, he listened, but did nothing to rectify the situation.
Millennials who had been leading small groups and a good part of the church’s outreach left over the next few months. As these mobilizers checked out, other millennials in the church felt the same issues more acutely. The few who raised their hands were taken aside and verbally crushed.
A steady exodus over the next 12 months showed the elders how engaged many of these millennials actually were. Chronic volunteer shortages set in. Congregational relationships with nonprofit partners broke down. Older congregation members — who were used to seeing the joy young children brought to the hallways — began to notice a silence on Sundays. The staff was stressed out trying to plug the holes left behind by departing millennials.
Millennials had been the muscles of this church. Now atrophy, chaos, and sadness were setting in. In less than two years, this church had gone from vibrant to dying.
I hope this story is an extreme example of the generational divide in so many churches today, but I know from experience that some of the nuanced moments in it are common. Here’s what we should take away:
Sometimes there are wolves in the flock. Sometimes they are leaders. Far more common though are boomer leaders who are incurious, change-adverse, and prone to believing that they always know what’s best. What we don’t realize is that — sometimes when a millennial merely asks such a leader a question — they are punished. Their legitimate question is never answered. Frustration turns into exasperation. Exasperation turns into disillusionment. Disillusionment turns into leaving.
I’ve learned from my years of work with millennials that verbal abuse and gaslighting by boomers are often at the heart of the decision to leave. The oft-used reasons this pastor gave me for why he thought millennials were leaving — progressive politics, style of worship, failure to engage with deep theology — are rarely the reasons why millennials decide to leave. They leave because they are hurt by a leader, exhausted by political idolatry, and disillusioned by the inability of a church to love well.
Accountability isn’t about retribution. It’s about having safe congregations that love well. Accountability is an important guardrail that provides the space for loving each other well to happen. When there are no consequences for those who have power over others, it’s inevitable that leaders will abuse and let people down, sometimes unknowingly.
I recently heard from the member of our group who connected me to his pastor. Thankfully, both of these elders have been removed. One repented, entered counseling, and is carefully making an effort to amend relationships with those he hurt. The other left the church in embarrassment and anger.
A handful of the millennial families decided to return, but most found new church homes or left the Church entirely for the time being. One young woman — who had a particularly brutal verbal exchange with one of these elders — lost her faith entirely.
How do we get past the problem of not understanding differences of lived experience?
Normally when I have a conversation or write about these things, I get some upset feedback from older folks. I’m aware that some boomer leaders feel like millennials don’t respect them. Sometimes that’s a valid feeling. Still, it is this difference of lived experience between boomers and millennials that is the real challenge to overcome. We just don’t understand each other because our lives have been so different. Half the time it seems like we don’t even know how to listen or talk to each other.
I used to present this problem as boomers and millennials being equally responsible for how we got here, in hopes that doing so would soften hearts. I failed miserably. This approach almost always backfired.
For boomers, they often rejected the very notion that they were capable of any wrongdoing or shortcomings. The world is changing, all change is bad, and everyone is to blame but them. Their way is the only way. Anyone who says otherwise is dismissed. For millennials, they often pointed to the reality around them, saying “I have no power and no voice. I get put down or brushed aside for merely suggesting that there’s a better way to do something that is non-controversial. How is trying to make my church more loving and effective a problem?”
My approach failed because I was both sides-ing a problem in which one side really does deserve more blame. This was my ignorance: the nature of my job usually means I get taken seriously by people regardless of my age. I didn’t understand how gaslighting by a boomer leader could shake one’s personal faith and ability to trust the institutional Church. That reality caught up to me earlier this year. I’m now of firm belief that many boomer leaders deserve much of the blame, and it’s on them to fix this mess.
I know some people will read that and say “What about grace? What about forgiveness?” To them I would say grace and forgiveness aren’t given to normalize and legitimize destructive behavior. They’re given to reconcile, heal, and try to do better moving forward, in recognition that Christ did the same for us. Jesus didn’t go to the cross so that humanity could embrace sin, power, and corruption even more and get away it.
My fear is that the grace and forgiveness millennials have often extended to boomer leaders is sometimes taken advantage of and weaponized back against us. In retrospect, the boomer leaders who have failed and lied to me are about the only ones who demand that I give grace. I’ve always known that so many millennials become disillusioned. Now, I understand why.
It’s no surprise that we are where we are. This brings us to the final question I received after my conversation with Eric. How do we get past this?
These stories and suggestions are the low-hanging fruit. They get boomers and millennials in the same spaces and set up guardrails to protect everyone from the worst aspects of this generational divide. But that doesn’t mean a bridge will magically appear over the chasm of different lived experiences.
I’ve had the privilege of getting to know several boomer leaders at various churches over the last 10 years. These are men and women who have given themselves permission to let millennials help shape their decisions. They put a premium on loving well instead of being right or controlling. I learn when I interact with them, and I always feel like I’m taken seriously by them. Perhaps most important to this moment, they share their leadership expertise with younger people in non-haughty ways, all the while recognizing that millennials will change some things when they take over. They admit that they can learn from millennials as well. They want the next generation of leaders to succeed in a rapidly changing world that is only speeding up.
And millennials have noticed. These churches are seeing steady, sustainable growth in younger generations. Their congregations are more peaceful and more loving because everyone feels like they have a voice and a place.
This is how we get past the difference of lived experience. Boomer leaders must recognize that they don’t know everything, ask millennials for help, and then make space for them in tangible ways. Millennials must recognize that boomers are trying to do better and decide to stick it out. Together.
Closing Thoughts
To be blunt, I’m increasingly doubtful a majority of boomers and millennials will ever see eye to eye in American churches. It feels like many boomers have embraced a persecution complex that is exasperating to encounter. Powerful in the Church, American politics, and key social circles, they self-victimize and lash out in the face of the slightest disagreements and most basic of questions. The prospects for love and practical progress in the near-term appear to be dim.
But I am optimistic about the Church’s long-term future. She has ebbed and flowed throughout history. She has survived much darker times. This doesn’t mean that being on the ebbing side of the cycle is a desirable experience, especially considering that the American Church’s current decline is preventable. Our worst wounds are self-inflicted.
But maybe we don’t need a majority. Maybe a determined minority of boomers and millennials is enough to ensure the torch is passed between generations, even if it’s a rocky transition. I’ve gotten in the habit of running thoughts and writings like this by a small group of boomers and millennials who sympathize with experiences like these. One of the boomers I know who reviewed this said:
“One day the leaders in my generation who are holding your generation back will be gone. Then y’all will have the chance to make the Church a more loving and productive place. I know it’s hard, but hang in there. It’ll be worth it in the long run. Let me know how I can help.”
That mindset is a healthy way to move forward: work with those who will work with you, and work around those who are clinging to power out of fear and have no real interest in the future of the Church beyond their own lives. If we can do that, maybe we’ll be okay after all. It’s certainly worth a shot.
I explore faith and American church culture from Memphis, TN. Never miss an article by signing up for my free newsletter or becoming a member. You can also subscribe to my podcast.
